Abusive and Toxic Relationships
- Abitha Selvakumar
- Jul 1, 2022
- 4 min read
An abusive and toxic relationship. People have heard about it for so long and yet still many relationships have them and yet people still do nothing about it around the world because they think it is a normal thing for them when it is not. It’s all about context: What is happening? Where is it happening? Who is involved? How is it happening and why? Toxicity and abuse can occur in any relationship: Between lovers, parents and children, colleagues at work, friends and siblings. It can also be very subjective and related to the individual's perception. In the relationship, they can create a dynamic that only the two people involved in the relationship would understand. so means that what is toxic for one couple may not be toxic for the other couple. Most relationships are not the same, it is hard to understand them. Not all toxic behavior is abusive, and most abuse can't be chalked up to a toxic dynamic. There isn't always a clear difference, but it's worth remembering that toxicity stems from a lack of control, and abuse stems from one person trying to take control.
What is a toxic relationship? Well, the definition of a toxic relationship is that people who said it is the one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. People in the relationship will feel like they are in one but that feeling could just go away because they are thin=drinking too much of what negative thing the person will say towards them. Some of the things that are considered to be a toxic relationship are:
One or both people engage in reactive behavior that is out of proportion to the event that is happening. You ask your partner to help make dinner and they lose their temper with you, saying they can't because they've had a bad day, but it starts to happen every time you ask.
There is a lack of healthy, effective communication from either side so most conversations turn into a fight.
Toxic people are often needy, creating dramas just to get reassurance.
Toxic people always behave like the victim by shifting blame in any given situation.
There is an unwillingness of either to take responsibility for their unworkable behavior.
When expectations aren’t met, the resulting frustration triggers a passive-aggressive reaction.
Both people choose to tear each other down instead of supporting each other to win.
Everything becomes a competition (Who did it better? Who makes more money? Whose parents are worse? Who’s more educated? Who’s trying harder?)
When both people refuse to be on the same side and live in a ‘me vs. you' dynamic.
With this yet still so many people do not see that they are in one.
What is an abusive relationship? Abuse means treating someone with violence, disrespect, cruelty, harm, or force. When someone treats their partner in any of these ways, it’s called an abusive relationship. Abuse in a relationship can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Or it could be all of these. An abusive partner might use mean words, threats, or shaming. They might act with jealousy or controlling behavior. Or with physical or sexual violence. These things can start small and build over time. Around the world yet alone so many women get abusive for the littlest thing by their partner. So countries have these abuses going on from generation to generation. The worst part that breaks people's hearts is that in these countries abuse is considered normal for a man to hit a woman when for example she does not cook. Even if the girl tells her parents they would be considered fine and normal. Here are things that are considered to be an abusive relationship:
The abuser is always in control. They make conscious choices to behave in damaging ways that are all about manipulation, domination and control of the other person.
The abuser’s behavior is calculated and deliberate.
Typically abusers start with emotional/mental abuse and then it escalates from there into physical/sexual abuse.
They plan and think ahead: “I know that when I shove her she’ll do what I want” or “I won’t hit her when I know we’ve got a social arrangement because I don't want people to see the bruises.”
Abusers are masters of gaslighting, constantly undermining the other person's truth and reality.
Abusers control all areas of the relationship – financial, sexual, behavioural, social, etc.
An abuser wants to manage and be in charge of all aspects of the other person's life and experiences (who they can see, what they can do, where they can go, what they can wear, how they can speak, etc).
Abusers are bullies who harass, belittle and dominate others.
The abused often makes excuses for the abuser's behavior when confronted by friends/family.
Abusers impose their opinions and ways relentlessly on others. Their view is the only one that matters.
Abusive behaviors will not change and those relationships need to end, preferably with professional help from therapists and/or authorities.
Even with this with the difference between what is a toxic and an abusive relationship many places have it still happening and many people are still in these situations without even knowing the type of signs.
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